Monthly Archives: March 2012

stats (some things just speak for themselves)

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Boner

(This post relates to an earlier one, Effing our own movement.)

The following is an excerpt from a lesbian friend’s Facebook feed, two of her acquaintances chiming into a conversation about Ellen DeGeneres:

I’m sure you know someone who’s boned someone who’s boned someone who knows Ellen’s hairstylist…that just seems to be how these things go. 

I wanna bone Ellen….does that help?

I find it extraordinary when lesbians use the language of patriarchal sex.  Whereas heterosexual women use “bone” in reference to actions that happen to them by men (e.g. he boned me,  I want to be boned) or something external to them that they do not control (eg. he has a boner), some lesbians choose to position themselves as the male, attaching a verbal penis to themselves (e.g I wanna bone Ellen).

As a heterosexual woman, I can’t fathom why.  I have to constantly negotiate the perils of heteronormativity and patriarchy in all relationships—from work to personal.  All of my (dating, sexual, partner) personal relationships have been defined by who does and does not have the “bone.”  A lesbian, however, has to actively choose to put the “bone” into her personal relationships with other women.

When lesbians use the language of patriarchal sexual dominance, they disempower themselves.  Power, for all women, will be achieved when we are free from patriarchal paradigms, including the heteronormative idea that all relationships must have a male, real or metaphorical.